What happened on October 25th/26th

In the 24 hours that were 10/25 and 10/26:
I spent 4.5 of them on a bus. 
I spent 10 of them on the pavement in new york, alternating between elation and uncontrollable excitement, between being freezing and being uncomfortably damp.
One of those hours consisted of me making a sign that read "today is flawless, I won't ever let it go."
One of those hours consisted of me sleeping.
The 3 hours after that were spent smashed in a crowd full of inconveniently tall people with very large signs and annoyingly long camera arms. 
They were spent praying for a glimpse of the girl I had driven 225 miles to see. 
But they were also spent rejoicing in the feeling of being near her, even if all I could see was the top of her hair, and one tiny glimpse of a smile.
But still,
The hours that followed were spent in disappointed tears, confusion at the unfairness of the world. 
In all honesty, many hours since then included an unwanted guest appearance from my tears.
Another 4.5 of these hours were spent on another bus listening to an album that had, just a day before, brought an instant smile to my face, but now suddenly caused me pain to listen to.
But near the end of those 4.5 hours, something began to change. The tears didn't stop, but their source shifted.
In that last .5 of an hour I realized that it didn't matter if all I'd seen of the girl who I love and respect most in the world was the top of her blond head and a swish of her sparkly dress.
What mattered was that I'd been there. I'd heard her sing and I'd screamed out the words like everyone else.
It wasn't exactly the flawless day I expected, but in the end, it still sparkled.


That's the publicity version.
What really happened is that there I was, in the middle of a crowd of fans, and I was sobbing. 
I just stood there and I cried.
Then I waited for her to come sign autographs.
She didn't come. I caught a glimpse of her as she went inside.
I left.
I called my mom, and I cried even more.
I sat in silence for the 4.5 hours back to Boston with a tissue in hand and fought back the tears that would materialize every few minutes.
I got back to my dorm and I didn't talk to anyone.
I couldn't listen to my favorite artist in the world for weeks because I would tear up every time.
It took me 2 months before I could listen to "Mine" without breaking down.
But slowly, very slowly, I healed.
I reintroduced myself to the songs. I rewatched some vlogs.
I only just watched her Thanksgiving special today. It was the first time I've felt ready.
I still can't watch videos from her Today Show performance.


I never thought this experience would turn out like this, but that is what happened.
Even though I still feel pain, I've realized now that I am thankful that I was able to be there. I got to be part of her album release, and that's really important. I know I'll be thankful for that in the future. 


So that's me.
Speaking Now. 


<3